Insulin is my hard limit

Yes, that's a 50 Shades reference. I think everyone who's trying to get better at something or give up something has their limit... oh once I hit this weight I'll get in shape, I will never drink before this time of day, I'll never cross the line to this harder drug, etc.  For me and my health, my limit has been, "Oh I'll never let myself get to a point that I'm insulin dependent." (That's me believing I have some self-control). For me, diabetes is completely avoidable, or at least medication for diabetes is avoidable.  Eat right, exercise, drop some lbs.  When I fall off the wagon I have my pills to carry some of the load.  And the pills don't bother me much because they are actually good for me for other parts of my health.

But lately I haven't felt all that great. I haven't been exercising regularly (or really at all... I guess), I eat pretty well during the day but at dinner and beyond I act like this could be my last meal. I even stopped taking my medication for a long while (because I HAD been doing everything right so everything was normal). I decide it's finally time to get my body in working order again.  Tests here, meds there, blah blah blah.

I have my follow up yesterday with my physician who informs me that since going back on my medication my blood sugar levels have actually gotten worse.  (In the mean time I did NOT change anything else... partially out of pure laziness and lack of caring, and also because I was curious to see how much of my previous success was due to medication or diet/exercise). Turns out that whole diet & exercise is very important, the meds alone cannot carry this burden. Maybe I needed to know that to make an effort?

The bigger point is that she told me she could pretty much guarantee that if I have children I will be insulin dependent while pregnant. Say what?  Deep down I probably knew that, but again, I had my hard limit so I didn't really think that day would ever come. I know insulin is not the end of the world and I know tons of people have gestational diabetes, and many people are on insulin no matter what they do, but it's my hard limit!  That was a bit of a punch to the gut.

Right now I feel a little bit like a teenager when all the adults are saying how they think they are invincible and it will never happen to them. Yes.  I did not truly see that in my future.  Hopefully hearing that my hard limit is pretty much guaranteed will get me to do the right thing. Ya know some people are very motivated to lose weight by their appearance, I'm not. I'm pretty when I want to be and dress in a way that makes me feel good & look good (when I want to ;). Some people let their weight hold them back... that's not really an issue for me either, I completed a marathon at almost 200 pounds, I trained for a century ride at over 200 pounds, I go hiking, I do 5Ks and ropes courses, I travel, I try new things, that's not the thing to get me.  Some people have no confidence because of their body....Overall I'm a pretty confident person, I do what I want, I'm good at my job, I'm not afraid of much...

You think you have accountability issues?  I will wait until I have to do blood tests and prick my own finger every day to stay accountable. Ugggh. Anyway, the point here is for nothing other than to vent, about myself ;)  Good day.