The end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010 have proven to be not what I was expecting. But let's back up. I was able to go home for an almost 2 week long visit which was really nice. I never felt like I was rushing here and there but still got to see a lot of people, and spend a lot of time with family. Continuing with the good news, while I was home we had a bridal shower, which was awesome! I'll admit I was hesitant about the whole thing because I didn't really want all eyes on me but it was very nice and exactly as I wanted. Good to gather the girls, spend some time, and I can't complain about the gifts either! I feel like I got to spend more time with niece and nephews than I typically do. I'm not sure what the difference was but it was good. I also saw my cousins a bit more, and we had a Twilight Scene-It game night at my mom's, which was so much fun. I went to St. Louis for a couple days also so I got to see Ivan's mom and sister, as well as meet my new niece, Laela! (Ivan's sister's daughter). She is 9 months old now, and super cute. Also got a chance to see snow, which I do like if I don't have to go out in it!! But by the time I left the temperature was 12 degrees, whereas out here it was in the 70's! So yeah, a nice welcome back :)
Bad news while I was home too though. My cousin, who is in the Army and stationed in Iraq, and his wife were expecting their first baby. My cousin was able to take leave to be home for the birth and for Christmas, so a very exciting time for everyone. Everything had been completely normal in the pregnancy and delivery but they lost the baby during delivery. It was pretty horrible news and I can't imagine how they were feeling. They have both been very strong and positive through it all, which is amazing to see. Although it was a difficult time I am glad I was home while it was happening. It makes things easier to handle I think. In addition to that, my aunt has been ill and was hospitalized. Luckily it was only for 1 day (sucks though because it was Christmas Eve!). She is doing ok now though and it seems the cause of her problems has been found; now it's on to seeking a solution.
My Grandma Beehn (mom's mom) is in bad shape right now too. She has Alzheimer's and was pretty far into it-not really moving independently or speaking, or recognizing anyone or anything. From what I understand just sleeping and eating. Last week when Grandpa went to wake her up she breathing very shallow and didn't seem right. They thought she'd had a stroke but the tests aren't showing it was a stroke. Something happened to cause her sugar levels to drop to zero, which affected her kidneys, which affected her lungs, and caused brain damage. She was hooked up to a ventilator and Friday the decision was made to remove her from support. Everyone had the chance to spend a little 1:1 time with her and I was able to tell her what I wanted to say over the phone. But when they unhooked her she just kept on breathing! So this is where we are right now. She is still in the hospital and everyone is spending time with her, reading her old diaries to her, painting her nails, and just waiting. We had hoped she would pass quickly as this would be easiest on her and everyone else. If she continues to hang on she will either go to a nursing home or back home with hospice care.
I'm so glad I was able to talk to her over the phone. I kept texting and emailing people asking them to please give her a hug for me and tell her I love her and it was really hard to not be there. When I hadn't heard from anyone that they would do that for me I felt pretty helpless. Once my sister said she had done it I felt better but as the time came closer that they would be unhooking the machines I just felt heavy and decided I still needed to say something to her. I'm so glad I did. Even though I couldn't be there I just felt like a weight had been lifted. I just wanted her to know, because I believe she's in there somewhere, that I love her and that even though I couldn't be there I was thinking of her, and that she could let go and everything would be ok now, she could be herself again. I don't know what she's waiting for now. Celeeste told me (she works in nursing homes) that there will be times that they don't know how someone is hanging on but then suddenly a relative will fly in and then the person passes. Like there is something they are waiting for. Who knows? Maybe she's waiting to go back home. Maybe she's just waiting until she feels everyone is at peace. I have no idea. I wish I could be there because there is something cathartic about being with everyone going through that. It may sound weird, but some of my best memories with my Dad's family is when my grandpa passed away. We all spent so much time together, enjoyed each other's company, and just felt close. At the same time though, there are some ways that it's easier to not be there. I will remember Grandma sitting at Christmas dinner, rather than lying in a hospital bed, and it's easier to push things out of your mind for a bit when you're not there. I don't know what is better but I do know it was all harder than I thought it would be. And I don't know how it will be when she actually passes. We were all prepared when they unhooked the machines so who knows if we have already grieved quite a bit or if it will feel the same all over again. I sure hope not. Although it is sad that she will be gone, and even though she hasn't been great company for my Grandpa lately, at least she was there-I am still happy that once she passes she will be herself again. Alzheimer's is an awful disease. Although, I think (or have to believe) that although physically this is happening to them, there is some spiritual aspect or out-of-body type experience that continues long before they physically pass. And not in some torturous way where they know everything that is happening but can say it to us, but in a peaceful way- a way for the person it's happening to, to pass on in a sense, to have peace with their own life, and watch this all from above, somewhat all knowing. They already know everything is fine even if we don't. I just can't believe that 'they' are not awakened again until after dying.
So that's the start of 2010 for my family. Hopefully from here on out it's only good things. We have the wedding to look forward to and turning the corner around Christmas is also good, because that means summer is coming!!
