Dreams, of the sleep variety

I have always been one who has very vivid dreams, but lately they seem even more vivid, and a little strange too...I am on some hormones which I'm guessing may be a contributing factor...haha  I've been dreaming a lot about the past, and people who have passed also.

For example, Friday night I had a dream that I was holding myself as a baby!  Yes, I was talking to baby Chelsey.  It was like I was back in time, my parents as younger selves, dropped baby me off to adult me to baby-sit.  Now, we could say that came partially from just finding out a friend was pregnant and going out to dinner with a friend and her baby earlier.  So, that explains the baby, but it wasn't just any baby, it was me!  I'm sure you could get really deep with meaning there if we wanted to...!

That same night I had a dream that Ivan & I were back in Jacksonville where we met, where Ivan went to college.  In my dream he had year left of school to finish.  So we moved back into the dorms.  I was sharing a room with Megan and Ivan had his own.  For some reason I was 'living' there but still had a job back in Bloomington (like it really was in college), and I was just going to drive down on the weekends to live with Megan & Ivan.  And, Erin Sessions was moving back in too.  She had all of her uncles and her boyfriend there to help her move in, and her Dad!  Erin's Dad passed a couple years ago and in my dream I was so excited to see him, Dave!  So we hugged, it really did feel like a lifetime since I had seen him ;)  Throughout the whole dream I kept saying to anyone who would listen, "I cannot believe I'm 27 and am living in a college dorm!"  Note to everyone-- I'm 30...  so that's weird! :)

Last night I of course had another series of dreams, one of which had my Grandma Spaulding there, holding a baby.  I had a dream about her earlier in the summer and she was holding a black baby.  I really do think she & Grandma Beehn are watching over our future children or something.  I dream about both my Grandmas quite a bit and it seems like every time it takes me a second before I'm like wait, I can't believe I'm seeing you right now!  If anyone reading this knows Grandma Spaulding, the only thing she ever says in my dreams-- because usually she is just there, holding a baby but not saying anything--remember how she would say, "Well."  Like if you told her something exciting or anything at all, almost like you're about to say, "Well I'll be..."....  but just the well?  She was saying that last night when she was holding this baby, trying to entertain the baby.  It's always so good to see them...

I had another dream that our group of friends from California were coming to visit.  Our friend Chad was so excited because he was bringing a box crusher to recycle boxes with this time...  He was advertising he needed a friend to come party and that "the position of box crusher was open from 4 p.m to 4 a.m!"

Lucy Lou the Maltipoo

Well friends, our little Lucy has lost her battle.  She passed in her sleep last night.  I really couldn't have asked for a better way for her to go, but I definitely didn't expect or want it to be this soon.  She's only 6 years old.

For those of you don't know, or want the details, here's what's been going on.  At the end of June it all started with Lucy just being mopey and not lifting her head up for about a day and a half.  This is so unlike her that I was already concerned and took her to the vet.  She was given a mild pain killer because we thought maybe she had pulled a muscle.  Then she started having spasms, losing control of her limbs, not very steady on her feet.  Back to the vet for blood tests (which came back normal), and a new medicine.  Shortly thereafter it turned into seizures.  With the advice of several friends I asked for a certain seizure med and it really did the trick.  After she adjusted to it she was up and walking, albeit with the new problem of low vision, she was eating/drinking, wagging her tail.  I was happy because as long as she was moving, and seizure free that was a good quality of life.  We can deal with blindness as long as she can move & eat.  In the past week she started to regress a little.  She wasn't walking anymore, and started to cry and seize/spasm again.  Although they were very short.  I knew this was a possibility, and if we were going to live with seizures that were only seconds long that was ok with me. 

We had a vet appointment last night anyway for a check-up and to get more seizure meds.  About 20 minutes before her appointment she started screaming, crying, spasming, seizing--I'm honestly not completely sure what it is...it lasted for like an hour & a half-- only started to end by the time we were leaving the vet.  On the way to the vet I was thinking this may be it, but the vet didn't seem as concerned...so we had decided to try a steroid in addition to her seizure med.  Basically give that about a week or 2 and if that didn't help then we would  know we're dealing with something only a neurologist could diagnose.  I had asked if the things a neuro could diagnose are even treatable, some things were, most were not.  So in my mind if we got to that point we'd be looking at how do we make her comfortable or how do we know when it's the end.... I had definitely thought to myself over the past 6 weeks at different points that I would really hate to have to make that decision for her, but I was prepared to if we needed to, but I'd much rather she just didn't wake up....  

When we got home from the vet she had calmed down and seemed realllly tired.  Which I figured she would be after a long seizure (or whatever it was).  We gave her the meds, and she just rested.  Occasionally crying out, but nothing long again.  By the time we went up to bed I told Ivan when I was carrying her up that her breathing was really labored & shallow.... so I was a little concerned, but also knew she was exhausted, heavily drugged, and she had been snoring & things lately anyway.  I held her for a bit, laid her down & then I laid down and about 5 minutes later I couldn't hear her labored breathing.  I watched her and didn't see her breathing, but wasn't sure if it was just my eyes, so then I called up Ivan and after awhile of convincing ourselves we weren't just seeing things realized that was it... so we just wrapped her up in a towel with her head out and let her sleep next to the bed.  Today will bring figuring out what you do with a pet when you don't live on a farm & in the desert!  Back home this is a no-brainer...

I had several dreams last night that we were wrong.  That we woke up and she was breathing, and better than that acting herself.  I really did think I heard her breathing or crying a few times in the night and I would wake up to look at her just to be sure.  We only told a few people last night and I really wanted to text them this morning and say, aw, we're idiots, she was just breathing really quietly and slowly, she's fine! (Still hoping actually).

I do know this much, even if the vet said she probably hasn't been in pain, I think she has, at least in the past week.  I'm a big believer in looking at quality of life, and even in the past week have wondered if this was a life worth living.  So I know she's far better off.  And especially after my dream where she was her happy, spunky, self.  She hasn't been that in 6 weeks.  

So we're going through the things you go through when you lose anyone you love...  I just miss her.  I always had some hope she would eventually be herself again, and even if she wasn't I could deal if I could still talk to her and had some kind of quality of life.  Someone asked me once which dog I loved more, which of course, like any parent I love them equally but I do love them differently.  Charlie I love like a child, she is a perpetual puppy who needs mothering and play.  Lucy I love like a best friend, more like an equal.  I feel so bad for Charlie.  Although she has seemed pretty oblivious through all of this, Lucy was still always there.  And of all the dogs in the world, Charlie was never meant to be independent.  

So, we'll be happy for the time we had, try not to question too much why (although my guess is the episode she had before we got to the vet, she just couldn't recover from.  The vet had given us some valium to give her if another long episode started, but I think that was the one).  

Hold your puppies close, don't get too mad at them! haha  Over the past 6 weeks all I've wanted is for her to do some annoying thing she always did....constantly grooming, licking the carpet, standing underfoot in the kitchen (Charlie has successfully stepped into this role since Lucy wasn't able!)

So last night, she 'slept' next to the bed, we cried, and listened to "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds".... :)